HE THAT FINDETH A WIFE
by David Sisler
To the best of my knowledge, today is not National Singles' Day. I do not know if there is a National Singles' Day. There probably should be, but then in this age of politically correctness, all of the married people would clamor for their day, and then there would have to be a National Divorced Persons' Day, and a National Widows/Widowers' Day, so let's forget the whole thing.
But if you are a single male, I have found a few methods which were used in Bible times to aid in the search for that perfect wife.
If you are a soldier and you are called into a war zone, there is always the possibility of taking prisoners. According to Deuteronomy 21:11-13, you might see a beautiful woman among the captives. If you are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home where she must shave her head and cut her nails. You must provide for her clothing other than that which she was wearing at the time of her capture. After she has grieved one month for her parents, whom she will never see again, you may marry her. Method number two is recommended for single preachers, particularly evangelists and prophets. Marry a prostitute. Specifically, as God told Hosea, "Marry a woman who will be unfaithful to you. She will give you children whose fathers are other men." In that way you will learn how to deal compassionately with people who commit spiritual adultery, being unfaithful to God.
The next technique may be of value to a farmer, particularly a herdsman. Find a man who has seven daughters and impress him by watering his flock. Be sure to chase away any ruffians who are bothering the girls. The old man will invite you to dinner and give you his eldest daughter as your bride. At least that's the way it happened for Moses.
Unmarried real estate agents might find this next suggestion useful. Purchase a piece of property which is owned by a widow who has a widowed daughter-in-law. That way you can get a wife as part of the deal. Boaz used this strategy and it won Ruth for him, and they became progenitors of Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah.
For all of you wild and crazy guys, hide outside the place where a party is being held. When a woman heads for the dance floor, grab her and carry her off to the justice of the peace. This strategy was used by the men of Benjamin in Judges 21.
Go visit your relatives and while you are there, fall in love with one of your cousins. Strike a bargain with your uncle and get him to agree to give her to you in exchange for seven years labor in his employ. Be careful. On your wedding night, your unscrupulous uncle may trick you and you will wake up in the morning married to the girl's older sister and have to work a total of fourteen years just to gain your one true love. Jacob found that to be true.
If you are really ambitious, you could become an emperor and then hold a beauty contest. This one really only works if you are already married, your wife is a godly woman who will not take part in your wicked ways and you decide, against God's Word, to divorce her. Someone could be left hanging here.
Get your parents involved. When you find a woman you can't live without, badger your folks into winning her hand. It doesn't matter if she worships a heathen god, and it is particularly important that you be a belligerent son and totally undisciplined. It won't hurt if you are incredibly strong, either. Be advised that, even though beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you may eventually not be able to see past this beauty. Oh, and get a hair cut.
You could murder a married man and take his wife. David did that and won Bathsheba. But it also cost the lives of his four sons. There is no telling what adultery will cost you. Is it really worth the risk to acquire a wife in that fashion?
Attention medical professionals: David also won another woman's hand when he performed delicate male-oriented surgery on 200 of his future father-in-law's enemies. It's just a thought.
If all else fails, ask God to make a wife for you. If He does though, be prepared to take a little ribbing.
Editorial disclaimer: the reporting of the preceding methods of wifely acquisition does not mean that this writer supports or personally recommends any of the methods -- we just reports ‘em. But no matter which method you use to find a wife, be sure that God is the foundation of your marriage and that His son, Jesus Christ is the center of your home.
Published in the Augusta Chronicle 6/22/96
Copyright 1996 by David Sisler
Your comment is welcome. Write to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org