THE EXCLAMATION POINT UNIVERSE!
by David Sisler
Somewhere just outside of the ordinary lives we lead, there is another universe! Incredible things happen to the people who live there – things you and I can hardly believe, and things that never, just never, happen to us.
In this world, Elvis lives! Jimmy Hoffa is not in New Jersey! Diseases are cured! UFOs land! Deficits are lowered! Budgets are balanced! The Pirates win the World Series! Everything is different in the universe of the exclamation point, the universe of grocery store tabloids! This wild and crazy world is the world of inquiring minds. But do we really want to know?
Local grocers stock almost a dozen titles. Most customers don’t ask for plain brown wrappers, but when I picked up four tabs, the check-out lady did raise an eyebrow. When I told her it was for research, I don’t think she believed me.
The following is the news from just one week in the exclamation point universe! I examined the National Examiner, gazed at the Globe, wondered at the Weekly World News, and found several things new under the Sun. Compared to these pros, the one that advertises “for inquiring minds” is almost believable!
Are you ready? Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
You’ve heard the one about the talking dog. On stage, his master asked him, “What is the top part of the house?” “Roof, roof,” the dog answered. The crowd booed. “What is the texture of sandpaper?” the human queried. “Ruff, ruff,” the dog responded. The crowd became hostile. Reaching for his best question the trainer asked, “Who was the greatest New York Yankee of all-time?” The dog said, “Ruth, Ruth.” And the crowd rushed the stage. Outside the theater, the dog looked at his owner and said, “DiMaggio?”
Well, laugh no more. Diane Lomello’s dog Rover talks! In a husky voice that sounds like an old man, Rover says, “I want to go outside. Now!” When the doorbell rings, Rover says, “Someone’s at the door.” Smart, too! Researcher Dr. Thomas Horan says it is not just mimicry – this dog speaks like a human being! Now, about those Yankees.
Rialto City, Nevada is a real ghost town! More than 50,000 ghosts – human and animals – live there! With real Old West flavor there are fist fights and an occasional runaway stage. A prospector was once sentenced – by a ghost jury – to 30 days in jail for drinking while donkey riding. The spectral judge dished out the sentence in less than 10 seconds. Real judiciary proceedings should be so fast! Especially for those drunk drivers!
Roger Bevins recently landed his airplane at a Royal Air Force base near Dover, England. Big deal, you say. Ah, but Bevins, a World War I pilot, took off from that same field 78 years ago and was caught in a time warp! The man hadn’t aged a day since 1915 and the plane still had over half a tank of gas! “Fingerprints matched,” astonished authorities said!
The ghost of Elvis Presley has joined tabloid writers in predicting the future! The human race will encounter aliens from outer space, this year! Cancer, AIDS, and other dread diseases will be cured, this year!
No prediction here. This really happened! 2800 corpses disappeared from a cemetery in Poland. They were stolen by – betcha can’t guess – aliens in brightly-lit UFOs! At least the empty coffins were stacked up neatly.
Horrified airline passengers, 35,000 feet in the air, watched as their stewardess was crushed by a 6-foot python! The snake, named Arnold, was being held for questioning. The reptile was heard to say, “I’ll be back!”
The bride, Laura Spatola, wore white. The groom, Antonio Milani, wore black. She was a vivacious, lively bride, and slightly pregnant. He was just dead. Car crash two days earlier! Tyrannical grandparents wanted their grandchild to have a proper name! The bride was embarrassed. The groom was mortified!
One-year-old Jason Bolton was playing in a flower bed when a tornado picked him up, wafted him 50 feet in the air, carried him two miles and gently lowered him back to earth! Rescuers, following in a Land Rover, heard Jason exclaim, “Again! Again!”
Frank Keller hated Mel and planned a homicide! Before he could cut down his foe, Mel struck! Mel disrupted water lines and watched with glee as Frank’s house burned to the ground. Frank found an ax in the ashes and did a Lizzie Bordon on Mel. Frank will not go to jail, however. His victim was a 40-foot melaleuca tree! And now you know the rest of the story!
Marie Montaselli cheated on her husband, Alfred, so Alfred got a divorce. As part of the settlement, he asked that his ex-wife return an unusual object he had given her three years earlier – Alfred’s kidney! Talk about dividing community property!
Want to lose weight? Try this Japanese fish diet. One woman lost ten pounds a week by eating a dozen goldfish each day. If you are going to try it, remember, the goldfish must be alive! Doctors said this diet is particularly good for women who have iron-poor blood. And if you believe that one, you’ll swallow anything!
Dr. Jozef Kaposi, one of the world’s leading ghost catchers, says you can catch a ghost in a jar if you use a candle to sap the specter’s strength and a Tootsie Roll for bait! Kaposi cautions, “Take the wrapper off of the Tootsie Roll, otherwise the ghost won’t go near it. And don’t let children do this. It is too dangerous.” Kaposi’s ghost jar is a spirited invention!
This one’s a dilly! The newest perfume rage in Italy is pickle juice! Italian men really relish it!
Sorry, this stuff really gets to you after a while.
One of the tabloids even has an advice column. This one was my favorite: “Confidential to Stupid in Macon. Stupid isn’t the word for it. You’re an idiot!” And the runner-up award goes to the psychic who said, “Yes, I could give you the winning lottery numbers, but I know you. You’d just waste the money!”
Space aliens kidnaped Vern Hartack. Seems their craft had sprung a leak and old Vern is a welder by trade! Vern was impressed that they picked the right man, with the right tools, for the right job. He did complain that the aliens did not pay over-time!
Fighting cancer, a well-known actor injected tree sap from an evergreen into his groin! After two 21-day cycles of inoculations, he is looking forward to decorating for Christmas!
Speaking of cancer, Sloan-Kettering has developed a new cure! It’s the traditional vampire defense – garlic!
Speaking of vampires, vampire attacks are down worldwide because of AIDS! Well, there’s a mercy.
So, the next time you are standing in the checkout line at your favorite grocery store, pick up the tab. You won’t believe what you’ve been missing!
On the other hand, if you want to read something that sounds too good to be true but is true, try another publication – God’s Word. And check out John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.” Now there’s an explanation point you can believe in! Forever!
Copyright 2003 by David Sisler. All Rights Reserved.
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